My lifelong, turbulent relationship with video games began in 1999 with the release ofPokemon Red— a laid-back, chiptune adventure that only pinged my frustration when I took on gym leaders under-leveled. Orc hordes became a little overwhelming for a 10-year-old wanting to be an Aragorn-leveled hero during every encounter within EA’sThe Lord of the Ringsgames, and catching the Muse inJak and Daxter: The Precursor Legacy was an infuriating endeavor, but not necessarily a hard one. It wasn’t until the release ofFinal Fantasy 10in 2001 that I truly felt out of my depth, and this experience withSquare Enix’stitle changed my relationship with video games forever.

As a ’90s kid, Game Boy Color, Advance, and the PlayStation 2 were my consoles of choice. Dabbling in David Beckham Soccer, Spider-Man 2, The Warriors, and more confirmed I was a casual gamer, for the most part, and a big nerd. I liked to dip in and out of titles when I felt like it and very rarely saw a game to full completion. This perhaps contributed to the brief but traumatizing time I had withFinal Fantasy X, because it was the first game I sampled that required attention to RPG mechanics and a HUD that looked like the deck of the USS Enterprise. Instead of kicking a ball around, swinging through skyscrapers, and brawling for fun, I was now in the thick of gaming.

Final Fantasy 7 Rebirth - Relationships

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Final Fantasy Was Not All About The Pretty Hair

TheFinal Fantasyfranchise landed on my radar after my mum stumbled across the pretty, dream-like visuals and the gorgeous characters with stunning hair — Yuna became her desktop wallpaper for a long time. Naturally, I was curious to see if I could enjoy the same level of easy-going adventure in the tenth installment and potentially find a new franchise to obsess over.

However, that dream faded fast. Upon meeting the first boss of the game, the Sinspawn, I started to doubt if I even knew how a PS2 controller worked and also questioned my intelligence for the first time in my life. Tidus, Lulu, and Yuna became increasingly frustrated as I fumbled about trying to beat the giant serpent, hitting it with whatever attack or spell I could muster and switching characters frantically — I was in full-brain meltdown.

Screenshot from Final Fantasy 10 of the Tidus, Yuna, and Lulu battling the first Sinspawn boss.

Upon meeting the first boss of the game, the Sinspawn, I started to doubt if I even knew how a PS2 controller worked and also questioned my intelligence for the first time in my life.

As an adult, it’s plain to see that I very rarely indulged inany sort of challengewithin the video games I played. It was all casual exploration and roleplay, and I’d rarely complete objectives or fight bosses. Ultimately, I was coasting in free-roam mode, and therefore, rarely advanced through the story because of it.

Assassin’s Creed Origins - Bayek fighting against enemies

This is likely why the Sinspawn was such a monumental obstacle for me, and needless to say, I never returned to Final Fantasy X. I convinced myself that this “hard” game must be for adults if Ican’t even get past the first boss. In fact, it preceded a forbidden gameplay style that I carried with me into adulthood.

Better Off Being An Easy Mode Gamer

Playing games in easy mode has always carriedan unnecessary stigmawith it, and it took me a long time to accept that as my preferred difficulty. Conforming to peer pressure by playing games on normal difficulty often gave me several obstacles I couldn’t get around, leading to deep frustration and shelving the game because it wasn’t fun anymore. It took me more than two decades to realize that hair-pulling video game challenges are just not for me. I turn to these other-worldly pockets to relax, explore, and escape, so I began playing in easy mode to minimize stress and breeze through the immersive stories without getting trapped in replays. That’s just my idea of a good time.

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Even playing built-in television games on my aunt’s British cable provider, including Lara Croft Apocalypse and various Scooby-Doo platformers, should have been proof enough that gaming contests were not for me — an early teen should not experience blood pressure that high. From a psychological standpoint, a psychiatrist could probably go to town on why I fled in-game obstacles and point out the root of that behavior in my upbringing or general psyche. Regardless, my relationship with video games went on a journey, and Final Fantasy X upending my casual relationship with games sent me on a dry spell that lasted around 10 years. This was only broken by chilled out summer nights coasting around in Tony Hawk’s American Wasteland. Suffice it to say, none of the ollie objectives were met.

Playing games in easy mode has always carried an unnecessary stigma with it, and it took me a long time to accept that as my preferred difficulty.

Final Fantasy 7 Rebirth - Tifa & Cloud on the Skywheel

What did get me back into gaming was securing an Xbox One — an abrupt change of console despite growing up with a PlayStation — to play a flurry of games with a friend who would rotate through genres like musical chairs. However, it wasn’t until I won a free copy ofAssassin’s Creed Originsfrom a bag of Doritos that I truly felt the magic of gaming again. From there, more gamers entered my life and reintroduced the fun side of the hobby once again, and that free copy of Origins also made me fall in love with Ubisoft’s franchise. After a decade of feeling nervous starting a game in case it was too difficult and prompted me to flee, I started to ignore the feelings of failure or not being good enough by swiftly selecting easy mode at the start of every game, and I’ve never looked back.

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Final Fantasy X/X-2 HD Remaster

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Final Fantasy 7 Rebirth Kalm, Cloud, and Aerith